Guys, please consider the following and remember this piece of wisdom.

If after a long day, you are tired and looking forward to seeing your woman.

No matter how beautiful she is.....

No matter how sexy she is...

No matter how seductive she is...

No matter how cute and sweet she is...

No matter how huge her melons are......................

Shit, I forgot what I was going to say.

TOOLS EXPLAINED

At lot of bikers, biker's spouses, significant others are handy, or know someone who is, or at least thinks they are, therefore we can all relate to some of these. Some of us maybe more than others. (You know who you are.) Enjoy!

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: That BMF
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Author unknown

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

Sorry this one is so late on St. Patty's day, but just had my first chance to sit at the computer today at 8:30 P.M. Central.

Anyway, I just got this emailed joke, and thought I would share.

Enjoy!


An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino.. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...YES! YES! I WON, I WON!

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

Looking winter in the eye and laughing at it, because crying won't get me riding any sooner.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blond catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load."
.

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blond says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some
of your load!"
.

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
.

All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, knocks
on the truck door. The trucker rolls d own the window. Again she
says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
.

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.
.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blond. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says........"Hi, My name is Mark, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

Sven & Olie

Since my last post was about the change of seasons, hot and cold, and since Joker made the comment that we all talk funny here in the Midwest, this joke could not be more fitting.

Sven and Ole join an outlaw motorcycle club, and get drunker than skunks. They die in a motorcycle accident and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of

snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya

know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the

heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota ,

the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and

drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is

in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere

at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis

nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he

comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been

cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging

everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,

moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole

and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats,

and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming

like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat

you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong

with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if

hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl!

A little bipartisan political humor.

One Liner Biker Wit

Rule of thumb........ When you are working on your motorcycle, and your hands are all full of grease, it is then that your nose will itch, and you'll have to pee.

biker joke

God and the Biker

.
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

.

'The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

.

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. I want you to take a little more time and see if you can think of something that could possibly help all mankind instead.'

.

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know what she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

.

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

.

Biker joke

Friendship among regular folks:

.

A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his significant other that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called his 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Bikers:

.

A biker didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his significant other that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called The biker's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

.

Noah's Ark 2008 joke

In lieu of Friday 7-11-08's post Noah's Ark Animal Welfare Association, Inc.,
I give you a Noah's Ark Funny, or in this case kinda not so funny!

NOAH’S ARK 2008

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in the United States , and said: 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: 'You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?''Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive,
and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trade unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked,'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.'The government beat me to it.'

One liner biker wit.

Bikers have more fun than people do!

Biker joke (Warning) "mildly explicit"

Three men, a Doctor, and Lawyer, and Biker were sitting at a bar drinking, and shoting the sh*t.
They got to talking about what they got their wives for their last anniversaries.

The doctor took sip of his martini and said I got my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. That way if she didn't like the diamond ring, she would know how much I love her because of the very expensive car I bought her.

The lawyer took a sip of his scotch and said I got my wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas. That way she would know how much I love her, even if she didn't like the necklace.

The biker took a big swig of his beer, farted, and burped, and said I got my wife a Harley t-shirt, and a vibrator. That whay if she didn't like the shirt she could go "F" herself.

Ba-Dum-Bum

One liner biker wit

I'm not easily distrac-





Hey look a motorcycle!

A preview into the weekend, and a Friday Funny

If weather permits, I'll be going on my first biker run of the season. I missed the first big one here this year due to cruddy weather. I will do my best to get some good pictures and post them next week sometime. I don't typically post on the weekends, so untill next week, I give you my Friday Funny.







I've got a pretty good biker joke that a friend sherry Hoskins from Stormy Custom Bike Works shared with me.


The gynecologist:

A gynecologist had become fed up with high cost of malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to find another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to make a major career change and become a Harley mechanic. He found out from the local community college what was involved, signed up for classes and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had scored 150%. He called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there was an error." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You also put the engine back together perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you that extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."